so now you know

Nice, in typical French-laid-back-cigarette-hanging-from-it's-lips style is, in fact, amazing. Obligatory pun aside it is easily the most comfortably fashionable city I've ever visited. I stepped off the airport bus wearing a pair of scruffy black jeans and some crappy faded t-shirt into a world of pastel shirts, sunglasses and perfume. My immediate urge was to FIT IN! buy some chinos, hop on a scooter and start smoking but I fought it!

this is the first thing that greets you at the Bus Station:


( and my response... )

Crete was... Crete was a package holiday y'know? Which meant the Crete part wasn't exactly relevant. It was nice; sun, sea, cheap booze but our town of Gouves only existed to facilitate tourism, you couldn't swing a cat without hitting an Irish Bar, Full English Breakfast or a Bratwurst (no euphemism implied).


Real English!!

The resort seemed to specialise in the elderly tourist which was fine by us. I just wanted to lie in the sun, hopefully turn a darker shade of alabaster, get horrendously drunk on the very very cheap wine and be passed out in bed by 11. How naïve we were. As always with such a large concentration of The Elderly there was, of course, DRAMA! ( I may be exagerating... a little )

Tomorrow I fly to Crete with half the be-tracksuited ne’er do wells of Ireland. I’m going on a package holiday. The first I've ever booked.  I realise this would make pretty much anyone who knows me wrinkle their nose and spit but I had reasons. Not great ones but reasons nonetheless. 1) over the past few months work basically stuck some feathers in my hair and rode me like a circus pony. I normally book all my own holidays, searching for good routes, finding decent and interesting places to stay and basically trying to stay away from my countrymen and women as much as is possible but that takes time, a whole lotta precious time. Time I ended up spending jumping through the proverbial flaming hoops while juggling with my hooves. 2) Have you been outside?
So when a few weeks ago I saw this incredibly cheap offer online I jumped at it.

If you care to find out a little bit more about exactly where I’ll be staying our very own stoner journalist, and actual friend of
spear_of_lugh!, Mark Hilliard wrote this lovely article last year. RIOTS!

I predict on this holiday that I will be annoyed by; my apartment, my neighbours, really buff people on the beach, young people, old people, people my age, the ‘All Day English Breakfast’, the price of everything, techno.
I will, however, be pleasantly tickled by; sweet sweet Retsina wine, how hot 25°C actually is, how many books I can monster through when I’m not being constantly distracted by LIFE, and swimming in a sea that isn’t trying to transform me into a eunuch with its icy talons.

Being a jammy bastard (who’s credit card limit has just been upped, Thank You Visa) two days after we return we’re off again, this time to Nice.
This one I did book myself, naturally enough we’re staying in the red-light district, which as sensibleken knows I have a penchant for doing.

If you’re feeling the hate for me right now, relax. Good things are happening to you too. The Office, Parks and Recreation and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia are all back! Sunshine is for losers anyway.
‘Day Man 0oh ah ah ahhh, fighter of the Night Man ooh ah ah ahhhh…’

there must be something about my face that says to doctors, y'know what? this is a dude who'll appreciate a band-aid covered in cute elephants holding lollipops.



and they're RIGHT! who wouldn't? LOOK! they're holding the lollipops with their little trunks!
spot on doc, spot on.

This weekend I have received calls at various ungodly hours all along the lines of "NOW I'M AT FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE....LISTEN" followed by five minutes of noise. This is my mother, she is at Electric Picnic.
I mostly spent the weekend in pyjamas wrestling middle aged men.
it's JUST LIKE Freaky Friday.

I’ve decided to learn to bake. Two reasons why: a) through sheer bravado and brouhaha I seem to have talked myself into an Intercontinental Bake Off with nerdjunkie . Then I saw photos of her crazy cake skills and, frankly, I’m scared. b) the_jen has taken over the cooking this week and I need to be in charge of something!

Behold piggy-wig rise over Victoria Sponge!

Thank You Delia. What you don’t see, off screen, are the three beautifully baked Victoria Frisbees that preceded me actually going back and reading the chapter on Cake. Still now I know The Secret and I’m one recipe more awesome than I was a week ago. Take THAT past-me.

We celebrated in true style with Cocktails!

I’m basically Don and Betty Draper all rolled up into one, well except, y’know, minus the awesome jawline.

So there I was on Saturday sitting on the floor sipping a fine wine from Aldi admiring my newly purchased art. That’s right plebeians! for the first time ever I purchased an honest to god piece of ART!
Behold!


Not only that but as I sat supping on wine and culture in the oven quietly baking away was a Tart Tatin, that shit is FRENCH! No goddamn normal apple tarts in my chateau de rouge, no sir, pourquoi? a) the three apples it took to make it constitute exactly half of my apple ‘crop’ b) hello, I own art now.

Sometimes I’m so punk rock I scare myself.

p.s. nerdjunkie, you just got served! Observe the delight of my impartial tasters.

Yes, I realise piggy wig could use a wash and no, I can’t find anyone else willing to eat my foods.

I haven’t slept properly since last Sunday, why?
why??

( Faith No More has me jazzed I tells you. JAZZED!! )

(PRO TIP: museums have the nicest free toilets in any city. You’re welcome).

You remember this post about my inappropriate gift of a garden? of course you do! but it's been sooo long now you're jonesing for a garden update well...
CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

and all of it's edible! I successfully killed off the tulips, daffodils and something pink that looked like a bunch of gnome hats on a stalk. And replaced them with; mint, parsley, two types of chives, three types of oregano, coriander, sage, rosemary, thyme, a geranium I'm told you can eat but I'm not going there and of course the apple trees.
We had to babysit the crap out of those trees, if we weren't constantly watering them we were spending 15 minutes a day squishing the greenfly and caterpillars that were trying to fuck with my crop! for all that we got one eating apple. ONE!

still awesome though.

sooo updating livejournal is on the backest burner of them all. this is due to a) my new overlords expecting me to perform something analogous to a days work and b) my monitor, in it's new physio-friendly elevated position, being visible not just all in my open plan office but probably from space too.

I could try and post with all I have done since my last update but that would just blow your mind with AWESOME! and that seems irresponsible. instead here's what I did today.
I.Went. To. The. Gym.

sensibleken probably remembers the only other time in my life I ventured into one of these Kellogian nightmares. Ill prepared? I showed up wearing corduroy trousers.
Today was different; I wore short shorts! (which I have sneaking suspicion are supposed to be swimming togs but whatever).
Why  go to a gym redd, why?
Two reasons.
First, it's supplied free by my job. FREE!
Second, two weeks ago I bought a vest to cycle in. I found out later that this style of vest is more commonly known as a 'muscle-vest'. The sheer irony nearly caused the universe to implode.


yes, that sign over the mirror really does read "Building strength builds our confidence". welcome to my private hell.

Is there anything better than finding a new webcomic and trawling through their backcatalogue?

Exactly, T-Rex!
Busy doesn’t begin to describe what It’s like in the Vodafone mothership but today I plan on making time for this MyFirstDictionary

Todays word is:

Evil. Genius.

Q: is it wrong that I've spent the morning listening to Ladyhawke and The Sisters of Mercy?
A: a thousand times YES! on the plus side I just noticed Señor Cohen in the related videos.


*edit* even better when looking for the squiggle over the N in Señor I refound Señor Coconut's myspace. smooth like a mountain stream.

WANT!!

hey Yesterday redd!
stop being such a nerdlinger, drinking is AWESOME!
yours faithfully,
rum boy.

( Sunday... )

Dear redd, this week:
a)don't drink.
b)dig out the sushi kit you got for xmas and USE IT.
c)manage more than one chin-up without collapsing in a noodley armed heap, your Y-chromosome is embarrassed to be seen with you
d)bake an awesome pie for the Intercontinental Bake-off, you got served by nerdjunkie now BRING IT!
e)don't drink, really, I mean it.

yours etc.
Your Caffeinated Self

Friday was probably the most gig heavy day, we’d planned to spend the rest of the weekend just wandering about enjoying the ATP experience. We were greeted by a gloriously sunny Saturday morning so we killed time and our hangovers cruising the grounds of Butlins refuelling on coffee and trying to guess the gender of the foppish skinny folk. There were cute chicks everywhere!

See what I did there? It’s a pun on the word ‘chick’ because you were thinking… ok fine

Forgive me now?

( Saturday... )